October 22, 2015. Missed calls and texts from my friends, Jake and Tyler. A call to Kylie. Messages from Kasey. It hit me like a blow to the chest. Michael, my (foster) brother died in a car accident while making a delivery for work.
I remember the pain and confusion that I felt. He’s not really dead. They’re talking about somebody else that I don’t know. Since then, I’ve had dreams and seen visions of loved ones or myself suffering in bizarre accidents and tasting the bitterness of death. I have been wrestling with the pain of death ever since I saw Michael’s body in his casket before his memorial service. It did not look like him. The preservation process made him look like a 50 year old puffy man and it put me in a weird place.
Michael was young, in his early twenties, had two kids and a brand new wife of a month. He had a new step daughter, and a baby on the way that was only a few weeks along when he left this earth. It was really sad to lose someone who had become a “brother” to me, and I couldn’t imagine what his kids and Kylie, Kasey, and Keegan were feeling.
It got me wondering and imagining myself in their shoes. Since Michael died, I’ve met my fiancé and we have been planning our wedding for November 12. What if he dies unexpectedly a month after we get married? What if we have kids and he dies and I have to take care of them by myself? These types of thoughts have not been good for me, but have been there nonetheless. Michael’s death caused a stirring in my heart that I believe is from God, to teach me more of who He is.
Now, almost a year later, I feel confident enough to write some of these things down. I’ve been so scared of death this last year, and the fear of it has prevented me from being totally open about what it’s been doing to me. To reiterate the importance of prayer, community, and a rootedness in God’s word, it has fulfilled it purpose plus more.
The truth is that the scary visions i’ve been imagining and the thoughts of death have been driven by fear, and fear is not from God. Death is not supposed to be scary, but rather one of the important parts of life. As 1 Corinthians 15 tells us, “It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage”. I have been frightened of death because I am a sinful human who needs a savior everyday. My savior does not want me to carry the burden of fear! It has been His work since the beginning of time, that we humans would not be burdened by death and fear of it. Remembering this truth has released me into the freedom of a life confident in the promises of God.
Apparently I had not yet handed over this burden of fear to Jesus. Yes, the death of someone we are close to does sting. But that sting does not have to stick around, much like the sting of a bandaid getting ripped off of our skin, but that has brought healing to us. Death of one person can be turned into new and abundant life for others. I have learned this in my life since Michael’s death, and more importantly I remember even more so the life that Jesus gives us all by the death that He defeated. These are all things that Jesus conquered death for, and it has been easy for me to lose sight of.
Speaking of new life, it is being formed in the relationship between the mothers of two of Michael’s children. They have decided that even though their kids will grow up without their dad, they could have a relationship with each other. They are meeting together to work on bringing the kids together—I praise God for this and am eager to see the new life that God brings to them, even through the loss of their earthly father. Kylie and Keegan, things have not been easy for you andI am proud to know you both.
I pray for Khataya, Michael’s daughter and my first ever “niece” that her story would be one that she grows up to tell others about. I pray that through her earthly loss, her Heavenly Father will transform her heart in beautiful ways and that many, many people would come to know Him because she chose to let life in through Michael’s death.
I pray that I would have the boldness to tell of God’s story through Michael’s death. That God desires for none of his children to suffer death and fear of it. Although death is inevitable to humans, it does not have to be the end to our story and that Jesus has in fact written the rest for us. I pray that I would keep these things in mind, that “to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21) and that my life is not for my own sake, but for the sake of Christ.
The truth is that what is written will come true, and death will be swallowed up in victory. He promises us in Hosea 13, “I will deliver them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O death, are your plagues? Where o grave, is your destruction?”
The following is a script of what I spoke at Michael’s funeral:
“I’m one of us that was fortunate to call Mike a brother. I never REALLY knew what love for a “brother” outside of blood relation was until Michael entered my life and became like family. I know that is a treasure so many of us can share together because of his life. Let’s always remember how he might want us to continue on in that love for each other—that comes from our heavenly Father.
There are two Bible verses that I had recently posted on Facebook that Michael had clicked “like” on. In prayer, an idea came over me that God wanted me to share those two verses right now, and it would be almost as if I were able to ask Mike what he wanted me to share, and those two things would be it.
The first one is from 1 John. “Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth”. Perhaps Michael wants us all to remember to live this out, and to not lose sight of it.
The second one was something Jesus said. “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.” I wish I knew the exact reasons why Michael liked this verse. I would give anything to ask him what it means to him and hear his voice when he responded. I bet that he would talk about his own precious children and how he knew what love is because of them. how they are his whole world and how being a daddy was his most important role in life.
I thank God for blessing us with the gift of knowing and loving Michael during his short stay on earth. My prayer is that God will take the pain from Michael’s death and turn it into something beautiful in each of our lives. My prayer is also that each of us would know the love of our savior Jesus, whose love is stronger than death and whose promises can drive out fear of the unknown.
Michael, we love you, we are so proud of the daddy and husband you were, and we thank you for making each of our lives all the better because you were a part of it.”
